Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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