Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
