I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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