i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
