remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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