so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
