i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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