sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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