you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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