he puts the penis in happiness.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
