You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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