so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Someone signed my nipple.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
