I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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