I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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