the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize