Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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