Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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