her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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