Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
