Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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