I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
