The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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