Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize