Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
is wine microwaveable?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
