last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
