I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
