the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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