We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
