so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
