I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
