it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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