I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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