his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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