really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
