she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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