Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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