I wish they made helmets for livers.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
