I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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