I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
