smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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