just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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