Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
