I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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