You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
