I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
