someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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