none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
