Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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