i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
