I'm jealous of your bromance
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
