This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
