oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
