You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
