the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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