Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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