Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
