You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
