At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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