He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize