so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
