piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
