My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
