What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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